Well, I returned from Paradise, Montana to discover I had Covid. Apparently it’s making housecalls again. My daughter, Ana, and I both have it, so we’re quarantining together. I’m happy to report that although we’ve done our share of whining and moaning, it’s not anything as dramatic as the first time we had it, in March 2020, when we literally didn’t know what hit us. One day we were walking upright, the next we were pinned to our pillows, writhing like rabid weasels. Ana weathered it more gracefully. I was delirious so many of those days that I don’t have much memory of it. But with all due gratitude, I had a far better outcome than many. This visitation, the virus is a far more considerate guest.
Naturally, or maybe unnaturally, lots of TV watching has been requisite during quarantine. In the 2020 pandemic era, we binged Mad Men and The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel. For some reason we needed to time travel to that era. Maybe there was a comfort in being reminded of a time when living in oblivion passed for not only normal, but successful.
Now, during Covid Quarantine Part Deux, we are living in that little town of Schitt’s Creek for many hours a day. That show is our go-to in times of need or indecision. In Schitt’s Creek, the state of oblivion is only a one-liner away from being incinerated, allowing realness to rise like a phoenix. Well, in this case maybe just a pheasant. Plus, since we’ve seen every episode about a hundred times, if we fall into the Covid slumber, we can take comfort that we really haven’t missed anything.
Maybe Ana and I want to be adopted by the Rose family. The two of us are contentedly each other’s family, but the larger families we once longed to belong to have vaporized into memory. There’s nothing I wanted more for Ana than to experience the hug, the loving anchor, of a happy, cohesive family. That was apparently not in the cards this lifetime. But for both of us, Eugene Levy and Catherine O’Hara have been constants, and shining examples of redemptive dysfunction. I cut my teeth on SCTV, and consequently, so did Ana. Also Mel Brooks. Also Monty Python. Ok, so now you know — these are true confessions of an errant mother. But I think every child needs a decent dose of indecency to be well-balanced in this world. Maybe I’ll call it the SCTV vaccination.
Channel change
We were feeling less miserable yesterday and Ana suggested watching one of her favorites, Outlander. I’ve watched the first season, but didn’t remember it well (Covid brain) so we started with the pilot.
The show is great. I mean, I feel it PALES in comparison to the books, but it’s still a riveting story and a great ride. And Caitriona Balfe is jaw-dropping as Claire.
Here’s how it went:
I’m lying on the couch in my Covid position — less of a couch potato and more of a couch pancake.
As I’m watching Claire sink deeper into the treachery of this 18th century realm she’s been transported to, I find myself getting more and more riveted. You know it’s bad when I start to pray for the characters. Omg please don’t let her get raped by that creep. Omg please — just let her make it to Inverness. Omg how did she rip her dress into a bandage so perfectly?
Claire’s peril starts to pierce my own flesh. I find my pancake-y self feeling — sicker. The Covid weight on my chest is getting heavier — and I’m like - what the hell?
Then I notice what I’ve been up to.
My fists are clenched, my arms are pulling so hard on my shoulders that my chest is now collapsing into itself. My neck is stiff and my sinuses are super high-pressurized, so my head is throbbing. My abdominal muscles are clenched like I’ve done three sets of crunches.
I have been rooting for Claire so hard that I didn’t realize I was doing myself in. And I didn’t even notice it was happening, the show was so engrossing.
I’m like — Mary! What are you doing? You’re supposed to be the poster child for media wellness! (Chastisement always worked for Mom lol)
I get off my own back. I adjust, let go of all these tensions. The weight leaves my chest, and my breath returns. My sinuses start to depressurize and my headache starts to weaken like a well-used teabag.
I map all this, taking note to make this into a blog post.
Why?
Because this kind of experience happens to all of us all day long, no matter what stories we’re feeding ourselves, or where we’re getting those stories — from our screens, from our minds, or from our social sphere.
I just happened to be kind of compromised by Covid, and noticed it more acutely because I was sensitive to my physical condition.
We are shaped by stories — in so many ways. We are literally shaping our own life experience through the way we hold ourselves, posture ourselves. And through the shapes we take, we shape the lives of others.
I was all about watching “comfort” TV — but when the channel changed, I lost track of my comfort. I let my own well-being get high-jacked by an amazing story — essentially I was taking the shape of someone else’s story. There was nothing wrong with the story I was watching, but I let it have all of my attention.
So the moral of this story is: let yourself take a wild ride on a stallion of a story, but stay in the “saddle” of your own attention. The tips below might help!
I’d love to hear what shows you love, or love to hate, and how you experience yourself when you’re watching!
Qi-TIPS
SHAPING OUR OWN STORY
I have shared something like this before, but it bears repeating, to infinity and beyond!
Sit on a sturdy, comfortable chair. Sit a little forward in the chair, with your feet supporting you.
Allow the spine to rise behind you, like a tent pole. Don’t stretch, just allow the spine to rise from your pelvis like sea grass from a sea bed.
Sense the way your body meets the chair — how the chair holds you.
Allow the sit bones, your skeletal structure, to root into the structure of the chair.
Sense the support of both skeleton and chair.
How much of you is allowing this support? Is there any part of you pulling away from support?
Scan yourself to see if subtle resistances can soften and find the support.
Now arch your back to roll forward a bit on your pelvis.
Then roll back, so that your belly goes a bit concave.
Roll the pelvis forward and backward a few times.
Where is the “middle” point between forward and backward?
Once you find that, let the upper body stack on this midpoint, allowing the spine to lengthen.
Again, scan the structure to see if you can soften any tensions, so that you can feel fully supported. Scan through the whole face, jaw, throat, shoulders, and on down.
Does your breath change as you do this?
In this “neutral” place of support, let your imagination play, or story, for a few minutes. You can let your mind move to your to-do list, a conversation you had, or a show you watched. Whatever! Then just observe the changes in your structure and your breathing as you move mentally.
Finding neutral — or “you” — is such a helpful practice and will become a default setting for your nervous system as you become more familiar with it. Your physical neutral will be found in a different place each time you practice this, but the “quality” of neutral — of feeling more supported, more yourself — will become your “go-to” no matter what the story or situation!
Let me know how this goes!
So sorry you are sick, and glad it is not as bad as earlier versions of Covid. I hope you improve from pancake to potato soon!
I was just thinking about how close I stand next to people in line at the grocery store and 7-11 now. Seems we have no worries anymore. I decided that besides the shots, smoking a lot of cigarettes and pot have kept me immune. My comfort shows are Monk, Bones, Magnum and Castle types, and yes, I even pay fo the Hallmark mystery channel. Shit I'm old.
Sorry Mary you got pancaked, but yes great line! Omg whenever I indulge in a big blockbuster movie like Dune 2 or MadMax i get so carried away. Feeling seat and feet and also what the arms are doing in the theater chair are great reminders. I love this thanks!